Friday, February 6, 2009

I Miss You....


I wasn't going to write about this, but I just couldn't let the day go by without comment. Today is my due date. The date doctors give pregnant women as a guide for when their baby will be born. All of my children were born at least two weeks early. So, I've tortured myself practically the whole month of January wondering....

Everyday, whether for a fleeting moment or as a constant thought, I've wondered "would I be feeling really uncomfortable by now?", "is today the day I would've had my baby?", "would I be having sleepless nights & feeling exhausted?", " would we be rejoicing at the beauty of another perfect child joining our family?".

I know it's not healthy to think this way, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. Especially whenever I watched a pregnant woman waddle by me while out shopping or when I see a newborn strapped in an infant seat out with her family.

I know deep in my heart that Clare is in Heaven, but it doesn't make me feel ALL better, not yet.

We visit the cemetery and watch as more babies are
buried every month. My son told me that they're the lucky ones-- they don't have to work to get to Heaven as we do. God takes them into paradise without the suffering and trials we must endure to earn it.

A dear, elderly friend of mine gave me the most comforting words when I told her that my baby was perfect and not incompatible genetically with life here on earth. She said, "Suzi, you have to understand that your little girl did have some undiagnosed problem that was incompatible with life. She didn't just slip away to Heaven without a reason. God wanted her --completely clean from sin." Amen to that!! Thank you, Joan.

Please turn up your volume and watch this video and remember.....

6 comments:

WICatholic said...

Oh, Suzi....

Little St Claire Helena, ask Him to let you comfort your nother....

Suzi, this is a beautiful video. I had tears from the first site of your blog. I wish that I was there to hold you.

There is nothing wrong with this thinking on this day. This is grieving, and no one grieves the same way.

I am so sorry. I am sending you my hugs...

God bless!

Lee said...

Miss Suzi... You have touched me deeply... Your heart is SO beautiful as you lay it out to share... I love your tribute to your own little saint... No doubt she is watching over you all this very moment... I'm squishing Sam extra tight for you tonight... God's peace and blessings be with you through this tough time...

Blair said...

Suzi-I didn't realize it was last week! I am so, so sorry that you are having to go through these emotions and sit here without your precious Clare. I will send some extra prayers your way.

Spring Hailstorm said...

Suzi,
I'm so sorry for your grief! There are no words to comfort a mother's loss, but know that your little saint intercedes for you and your friends are praying for you and your family at this difficult time. May God bless you and ease your pain!
Love,
Nicole

Janet said...

What a beautiful post. I often feel the same way about my little Grace. It's so comforting to know though, that she's already up in heaven interceding for me. Thank you for sharing and reminding all of us of the sacredness and gift of life and death. I love you!

Linda said...

Suzi,
your son is so wise--out of the mouths of babes...
we know so much in our heads, but it takes a lifetime to get to our hearts sometimes.
my love goes out to you.