Friday, February 6, 2009
I Miss You....
I wasn't going to write about this, but I just couldn't let the day go by without comment. Today is my due date. The date doctors give pregnant women as a guide for when their baby will be born. All of my children were born at least two weeks early. So, I've tortured myself practically the whole month of January wondering....
Everyday, whether for a fleeting moment or as a constant thought, I've wondered "would I be feeling really uncomfortable by now?", "is today the day I would've had my baby?", "would I be having sleepless nights & feeling exhausted?", " would we be rejoicing at the beauty of another perfect child joining our family?".
I know it's not healthy to think this way, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. Especially whenever I watched a pregnant woman waddle by me while out shopping or when I see a newborn strapped in an infant seat out with her family.
I know deep in my heart that Clare is in Heaven, but it doesn't make me feel ALL better, not yet.
We visit the cemetery and watch as more babies are
buried every month. My son told me that they're the lucky ones-- they don't have to work to get to Heaven as we do. God takes them into paradise without the suffering and trials we must endure to earn it.
A dear, elderly friend of mine gave me the most comforting words when I told her that my baby was perfect and not incompatible genetically with life here on earth. She said, "Suzi, you have to understand that your little girl did have some undiagnosed problem that was incompatible with life. She didn't just slip away to Heaven without a reason. God wanted her --completely clean from sin." Amen to that!! Thank you, Joan.
Please turn up your volume and watch this video and remember.....